In the early 1970's, I was still teaching at Cal Tech, when (as I'm sure has happened to all professors of astrophysics) a student came to me after class and asked whether or not it was possible to reconcile the Feuerle Paradox with the Feingold Principle by simply ignoring Zeidberg's Law. My first instinct was, of course, to slap her hard across the face, but as she was still in bandages from a recent non-elective rhinoplasty, I resisted the urge and took the time to explain her slack-jawed stupidity. This paid off in two ways; not only did I avoid racking-up another assault charge, but I also began to seriously consider how one might actually go about reconciling Feuerle and Feingold (without violating Zeidberg's Law, of course!).
It took more than a year, but late one evening, it hit me. What would happen if one were to look not just at the proposed eleven dimensions of String Theory, but at the fractional dimensions (or fractals) within. Suddenly instead of a "string" we're faced with something much more like a "scrunchy" (if you can imagine a scrunchy of infinite elasticity rotating at twice the speed of light--remember, there's no friction in the world of sub-atomic particles). Thus a gas giant such as Jupiter only needs to wobble on its axis 2.678943 degrees before Pluto's1 orbit is cut in half. That's not just a lot of melted ice on Pluto, it's an elliptically certain collision with Uranus releasing an estimated2 800,990,000,002 megatons of energy. In other words, if you were attempting to hang-glide off the top of Mt. Everest at the time, you would experience minimum sustained updrafts of 35,000 miles per hour (quite an "X-treme" ride for all you adrenaline junkies out there!). In fact, there's evidence that in the last ten years Jupiter has wobbled more than 3.5679823 degrees on its axis.3
Once impacted, Uranus will quickly stretch out and expand into a superheated cloud of molten rock and toxic gas large enough to engulf the entire inner solar system. Of course, by that time the earth will have long since lost its own stable orbit, and the living shall envy the dead as we hurtle headlong into the sun.
But don't just trust me on this, do the math for yourself!
I know, what you're thinking. What about Damour's Constant? But as you'll see, we don't even need it!
Then we add in the sub-gravitational convection…
And finally those lovely new figures from the Hubble telescope…
Voila! Yes, I know this appears to violate the Feuerle Paradox. But that's only if you're using E=mc2. In reality, the subsequent tertiary event horizon will make the Theory of Relativity utterly irrelevant. Thus E=mc3 is closer to the mark. Now if you haven't already, break out your calculator and add up all those seconds. I bet my tenure that you end up with October 9th, 2049 as the end of the world.
Copyright ©2007 Theodore Raven